3 Tips For People Pleasers and What Happens When Your Body Says NOPE!
(Or Learning to Listen When you Can't Speak) by Alexandra Wenman
I got a wonderful Valentine’s gift in the form of a bizarre virus that has been annoyingly yo-yoing back and forth. At first it felt like a bad flu coming on and then the next day I felt totally fine. Then it would hit me again and, when I thought I had successfully fought it off for good, it moved in to my chest and throat and has now rendered me totally voiceless.
It has been the most confusing week as I have rescheduled clients, cancelled or changed plans with friends. Then rebooked people and made new plans, only to have to cancel yet again. One very dear friend had to cancel her birthday lunch with me twice, so I am not the only one feeling dizzy by all this two-ing and fro-ing. But it seems my body has been screaming at me to stop!
It’s not lost on me that I have been on a long deep-dive into clearing old ingrained people-pleasing programmes and have been releasing a lot of suppressed grief as a result. The main cause of the grief being centred around not having my needs met, not knowing how to ask for what I want, or at times not even knowing what it is I want or need in the first place, and then missing out entirely.
The trouble with people pleasing is that underneath it all is usually a programme of perfectionism coupled with huge amounts of guilt. When you are someone who has been conditioned to put others’ needs before your own, you find it extremely difficult to flip the script and say yes to yourself without experiencing guilt, grief and confusion as to whether or not you are still a good person.
I work with clients all the time who are also unravelling from this programme. It is rife in our society, particularly among women, who are the natural nurturers.
Having done a tonne of work on this already, I am always surprised when it rears its head yet again. One has to be ever vigilant. But my yo-yoing illness has turned out to be a gift in the fact that it has it seems to be mirroring a sneaky subconscious process of overly questioning myself and my own motives. A kind of subtle inner push-pull occurs the minute I decide say yes to myself, whereby I then judge myself for not being available to others or letting them down. Even worse than that, if I am heading for success, I will then worry about leaving others behind or somehow taking from them. Essentially, I just want to keep all parties happy, but ultimately can’t.
This behaviour began – in this lifetime – in childhood. Growing up in a big family meant everyone was vying for attention and I became the clown or the fun one to survive. At school, in any form of competition, I would usually just step out of the way and let the other party win. Fast forward to my career and I began push others into the limelight and champion them, only to feel resentful later on when I was no closer to achieving any of my own goals.
It’s no easy task to put yourself first in this world. In Australia, we have a phrase called ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’, where anyone who dares to stand out from the crowd or be successful has historically been frowned upon or even ridiculed.
As a healer, finding a balance between being there for people to facilitate their process and slipping in to playing the rescuer is absolutely essential.
Here’s where our body consciousness comes in.
We must learn to listen to the wisdom of the body. I have found time and again that when I don’t stop and listen to my body and its needs, I end up in stress and overwhelm, which can then lead to illness. I believe that much of the mental illness we are also seeing in society today is due to people running on empty when it comes to getting their basic human needs met. Physical comfort and safety directly impact our mental comfort and safety.
When I kept ignoring my body’s needs and trying to do too much, too soon and before I had fully healed, my voice gave out completely. If I can’t speak, I can’t work, and so now my healing process is going to take longer than it would have if I had just listened and slowed down in the first place.
I have had a history of losing my voice since I was a child. At birth, I flatlined, had to be resuscitated and ended up with vocal nodules as a result of scarring from the scope being rammed down my throat. But that scope saved my life so there was a trade-off. Talk about finding the gift in the trauma. Perhaps this is also symbolic of a rebirth.
This time, my voice gave out because I kept saying yes to others and no to taking the adequate time out I needed for myself. As a speaker, singer, healer and writer, it’s not lost on me either that most of the exciting projects I want to focus on for myself are all centred around using my voice.
OK, universe! Lesson learned!!
Or is it…?
As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, still in my pyjamas, I am still finding it hard to sit still and do absolutely nothing but rest. My thoughts always seem to turn to: ‘How may I serve?’ So here I am using my inside voice to write this post in the hopes that it may offer some inspiration to other fellow recovering people pleasers out there.
And, as ever, in the same yo-yo fashion as this virus, I find myself asking: ‘Am I writing this for me or am I once again putting my energy outside of myself to help others?’ In this case, I think it is a bit of both because, for me, having some time and space to write is a great pleasure. And therein lies another gift.
Every other time I have lost my voice over the years, I have found myself falling into a dark gloom and feeling frustrated and sorry for myself. This time around, as I glean the gold from the gloom, the alchemist in me is reminded that to truly heal we usually have to find the blessing hidden within the misfortune. And so now I actually find myself feeling grateful for what would otherwise be a very frustrating and annoying experience.
And it has also allowed me to see that something has fundamentally changed as a result of all my hard work on myself. This time, rather than feeling guilty, I find myself simply sitting back and trusting that everything always works in the end.
And so I really am walking my proverbial ‘talk’ (no pun intended) and find myself feeling immensely proud of myself. Even when you silently say yes to yourself, the universe ultimately rewards you.
3 TIPS TO HELP STOP PEOPLE PLEASING
If you are struggling with being a people pleaser, here are three tips to help you navigate any difficult choices you are making.
Listen to your body. It will always tell you what it needs.
Be honest. Share your feelings with others and let them know if you are struggling.
Trust that the people who truly love you will not love you any less for saying yes to you. In fact, those who truly value you will understand, show compassion and, as you champion yourself, they will champion you too.
I find for me some of the burn out also comes from the endless list of ways in which I want to engage with the world around me. I put off taking care of "me" by not eating well, not preparing healthy meals, not getting enough sleep etc. Sending you beautiful healing light of the highest frequency directed at rebalancing your entire body.
Thank you Alexandra, I can rely to that - lost my voice so many times by overdoing - now I have learned to sit with it a bit better 🙏🏼