Psychological Reversal: Understanding and Responding to D.A.R.V.O in Emotional Manipulation

By Alexandra Wenman

As a healer and alchemist, through my work, I see many patterns in my clients, which are also mirrored in the collective. One of the most hair-raising is the level of psychological reversal and manipulation that is used in patriarchal society as a way to control the population and steer the course of history.

On a personal level, I myself have been a victim of psychological abuse and manipulation multiple times throughout my life and, I can tell you first-hand, that once a victim is exposed to this kind of abuse – especially from childhood – it can often become a self-fulfilling prophecy and embed itself as a pattern into their core relationships. Unpicking from the level of toxicity of this kind of abuse can be a minefield and is often tied up in levels of trauma, which can mistakenly present as parts of our own personality as we fight for survival. For more on trauma responses and the kinds of behaviours they elicit, see my article here. 

Recognising D.A.R.V.O

Emotional and Psychological manipulation can take many forms, but one of the most toxic and insidious tactics is DARVO, which stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender." First theorised by psychology researcher, educator and author, Jennifer Freyd PhD in the late 1990s, DARVO is a defence mechanism used by perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly in cases involving abuse or exploitation, to deflect accountability and undermine the credibility of the accuser. By denying their actions, attacking the individual confronting them, and reversing the roles of victim and offender, the perpetrator seeks to escape responsibility and create confusion.

Known by various terms, such as “Psychological Reversal”, “Victim-Offender Role Reversal”, or “Blame Reversal”, this approach uses denial, aggression and role-switching to create confusion and discredit the victim. Often seen as “Accountability Evasion” or “Credibility Undermining”, DARVO works by not only rejecting accusations, but by undermining the accuser’s integrity, leaving them isolated and uncertain. Some may refer to it as “Role-Reversal Manipulation” or “Projection Assault”, as it involves the perpetrator projecting blame onto the victim, flipping the narrative and, in doing so, positioning themselves as the “real” victim. 

Terms like “Victim Blame Shifting” and “Inverted Victimisation” further capture this harmful tactic’s impact, where the original victim is cast as the offender. By recognising these variations, it becomes easier to see DARVO for what it is: a sophisticated manipulation technique designed to deflect responsibility and control the narrative.

This dynamic can leave lasting emotional and psychological scars, often making it difficult for the victim to recognise the abuse and seek help. In this article, we will explore the DARVO tactic, how to identify when it is happening to you, the long-term effects it can have and strategies for both victims and perpetrators to work through this behaviour and the trauma it causes.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is a three-step process that typically unfolds as follows:

1. Deny: The perpetrator outright denies the accusation, no matter how credible the evidence may be. This initial stage is intended to invalidate the victim's experiences and create doubt.

2. Attack: The perpetrator then goes on the offensive, attacking the character, motives, or mental state of the victim. This step is designed to discredit the accuser and shift focus away from the perpetrator's behaviour.

3. Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, the perpetrator reverses the roles, claiming to be the true victim. They portray the accuser as the one who is attacking them unfairly, attempting to turn the tables and gain sympathy.

DARVO is especially prevalent in cases of sexual abuse, domestic violence and other forms of intimate partner or power-based violence, but it can occur in any context where someone is trying to avoid accountability for harmful actions.

How to Identify DARVO

Recognising DARVO can be challenging, especially when you're caught in the midst of emotional manipulation. However, there are key signs to look out for:

1. Gaslighting: The perpetrator tries to make you doubt your own reality by denying the truth of what happened. They may say things like, "That never happened," “I don’t remember that” or "You're making things up."

2. Character Attacks: If someone starts attacking your credibility, calling you overly sensitive, or questioning your motives, this could be the "Attack" stage of DARVO. For example, they might accuse you of trying to ruin their life or making accusations to get attention.

3. Playing the Victim: This is perhaps the most telling sign of DARVO. If the person who harmed you starts claiming that they are the one being wronged and you are unfairly targeting them, they are trying to reverse the roles. For instance, they may say, "I can't believe you're accusing me of this after everything I've done for you."

The Long-Term Effects of DARVO

The long-term effects of DARVO on mental health are profound and far-reaching, often resulting in anxiety, depression, self-blame and confusion. Victims may find themselves questioning their own experiences and struggling with a sense of isolation. The trauma from DARVO can affect various areas of life, including:

• Self-Esteem: Constantly being told that you are wrong or at fault can erode your confidence and self-worth. Over time, victims may internalise these messages and begin to blame themselves for the abuse or manipulation.

• Trust Issues: Victims of DARVO often find it difficult to trust others, fearing that they will be manipulated again. This can lead to strained relationships and social withdrawal.

• Emotional Distress: The confusion and self-doubt caused by DARVO can lead to chronic stress, anxiety and depression. Victims may feel like they are losing control of their emotions and their sense of reality.

For those who have experienced this form of emotional manipulation, the journey to healing can be complex and challenging. However, there are steps that both victims and perpetrators can take to address the behaviour and its aftermath.

Other Manipulative Tactics That Relate to DARVO

In addition to DARVO, there are several other manipulative tactics that can create an environment ripe for emotional control and abuse, often leading to or supporting a DARVO response. “Wilful neglect”, where a person deliberately ignores the emotional, physical, or psychological needs of another, can create deep feelings of abandonment, setting the stage for DARVO when the victim confronts this neglect. “Stonewalling”, or the refusal to communicate during conflict, similarly invalidates the victim’s emotions, making it easier for the perpetrator to later deny wrongdoing. “Breadcrumbing” keeps the victim emotionally invested through sporadic attention, leading to confusion and desperation – perfect conditions for DARVO when the victim seeks clarity or commitment. “Gaslighting” distorts the victim’s perception of reality, making it easier for the perpetrator to deny abuse and reverse roles. 

“Love bombing”, “hoovering” and “future faking” manipulate the victim’s emotions through false promises and temporary affection, only to withdraw it later, setting the stage for DARVO when the victim questions this inconsistency. “Triangulation” and “emotional invalidation” further isolate and confuse the victim, who, when trying to address the manipulation, faces DARVO tactics that discredit their concerns. Lastly, “passive-aggressive behaviour”, “projection” and “intermittent reinforcement” keep the victim in a constant state of emotional uncertainty, often making them feel like they are overreacting. When these tactics are challenged, the perpetrator may resort to DARVO to escape accountability, blaming the victim for the very emotional manipulation they’ve endured. Understanding these interwoven tactics is crucial to recognising the full scope of emotional abuse and preventing the escalation of DARVO dynamics.

Varying Degrees of DARVO Intensity

DARVO can manifest in varying degrees of intensity, from mild forms of manipulation to more aggressive or even violent responses. In mild cases, the DARVO tactic may appear as subtle gaslighting or emotional deflection, where the perpetrator avoids accountability by quietly shifting the blame or denying the victim’s experience in less overt ways. For example, the perpetrator may say, "I don’t remember doing that" or "You're overreacting," using gentle but persistent doubt to undermine the victim's confidence in their own perception.

In more severe instances, DARVO can escalate into overt verbal aggression, threats or even physical violence. Here, the perpetrator aggressively attacks the accuser’s credibility and mental stability, accusing them of lying, fabricating stories, or having ulterior motives. In the most extreme cases, particularly in instances of domestic violence or abuse, DARVO can be accompanied by violent intimidation, where the perpetrator uses physical force or threats to assert dominance and reverse the victim-offender roles. The more intense the DARVO response, the more damage it inflicts on the victim’s mental and emotional state, often leaving lasting trauma that is deeply challenging to heal.

Understanding the varying levels of DARVO intensity is crucial for recognising and addressing it early, before it escalates into more harmful or dangerous patterns of behaviour.

What Victims of DARVO Might Experience and How to Recognise It

Victims of DARVO often experience profound emotional and psychological distress, which can manifest in various ways. They may feel confused, doubting their own memories or perceptions of events due to the perpetrator's constant denial and manipulation. This self-doubt is often accompanied by feelings of guilt or shame, as the perpetrator attacks their character and reverses the roles, making the victim feel as though they are the one at fault. 

Over time, victims might develop anxiety, depression, or a sense of isolation, as they struggle to make sense of the distorted reality presented to them. One key way to recognise that DARVO is happening is the constant feeling of being blamed or attacked when raising legitimate concerns. If you find that every time you confront someone about their harmful behaviour, they deny it, make you feel like you are the aggressor, or accuse you of unfairly victimising them, it is a sign that DARVO dynamics may be at play. Recognising these patterns is crucial in breaking free from the manipulation and seeking the support needed to heal.

Victim Self-Shaming: How to Avoid Becoming Your Own Worst Enemy 

Victims of repeated DARVO may end up gaslighting themselves because the constant denial, blame-shifting and role reversal erode their confidence in their own perception of reality. Over time, they may begin to question their own memories, feelings and judgments, internalising the manipulator’s narrative that they are at fault or overly sensitive. 

This self-gaslighting manifests as self-doubt and second-guessing, leading victims to suppress their instincts and emotions. To stop this, victims need to practice self-validation by acknowledging their feelings as valid and real, regardless of external reactions. Grounding techniques like journaling, reflecting on past events with trusted individuals and seeking professional support can help them rebuild trust in their own perceptions and break free from self-gaslighting. Recognising this internal pattern and consciously challenging negative self-talk is key to regaining their sense of reality and personal truth.

How to Break the Pattern of Attracting DARVO 

Below are some practical and spiritual steps you can take to immediately start breaking the pattern of attracting relationships that involve DARVO dynamics or similar forms of manipulation:

1. Deepen Self-Awareness

Reflect on past relationships to identify patterns or red flags that you may have overlooked. Journaling can help you gain clarity about how these dynamics started and how they made you feel. Recognising the cycle is the first step in breaking it. 

2.Be Radically Honest with Yourself

Be willing to be totally honest with yourself and try to pinpoint any areas of your life where you may have been forced to resort to your own DARVO tactics - for example, in childhood in relation to sibling dynamics or in any other area of life where your survival seemed to depend on using defence and denial etc. Sometimes being able to see our own deeply subconscious behaviours mirrored back at us is a way to heal our deepest core wounds. 

2. Strengthen Personal Boundaries

Set clear emotional and physical boundaries in all relationships, and be firm in enforcing them. Communicate your needs early on, and observe how others respond. People who engage in DARVO or manipulation often react negatively when boundaries are asserted, providing an early sign to disengage.

3. Practice Radical Self-Love

Cultivate a deep sense of self-worth by affirming your value daily. Spend time focusing on self-care and nurturing yourself in ways that remind you of your inherent worth. The more you value yourself, the less likely you are to tolerate relationships that do not honour your wellbeing.

4. Trust Your Intuition

Often, we sense when something feels off in a relationship, but we ignore it out of fear or self-doubt. Begin to trust your gut instincts and take them seriously. If someone’s behaviour feels manipulative or controlling, give yourself permission to walk away without second-guessing your judgment.

5. Reframe Your Perspective

Instead of seeing these repeated patterns as failures, consider them as lessons. Ask yourself what each relationship has taught you about what you want and deserve. Viewing them as steps in your personal growth journey helps you avoid internalising blame and empowers you to make healthier choices going forward.

6. Engage in Therapy or Coaching

Working with a therapist or coach, especially one who specialises in trauma or relational dynamics, can be incredibly helpful. They can guide you in understanding the deeper roots of why you’ve attracted these relationships and help you develop strategies to prevent it from happening again.

7. Surround Yourself with Healthy Relationships

Seek out and prioritise relationships with people who demonstrate mutual respect, empathy and support. Surrounding yourself with positive, healthy connections will reinforce your boundaries and provide you with models of what balanced relationships should look like.

8. Visualise and Manifest Healthy Relationships

Spend time visualising the kind of relationship you want to attract. Focus on qualities like respect, honesty, kindness, and equality. By aligning your energy with these qualities, you signal to the universe (or your subconscious) that you are ready for relationships that mirror these values.

9. Forgive Yourself and Release the Past

Let go of any guilt, shame or blame you may be carrying from previous relationships. Forgiving yourself for past choices allows you to release emotional baggage and creates space for new, healthier dynamics to enter your life.

10. Affirm Your Growth Daily

Create affirmations that reinforce your new boundaries and intentions, such as: “I attract relationships that honour my worth,” or “I am worthy of love that respects and supports me.” Repeating these daily helps rewire your mindset and empowers you to make decisions that align with your highest self.

By taking these steps, you begin to energetically shift away from patterns of manipulation and abuse, setting the stage for healthier, more aligned relationships. 

As you strengthen your connection to yourself, you’ll naturally attract people who reflect this new level of self-awareness and respect.

How to Respond to a DARVO Response

If you find yourself on the receiving end of DARVO, it can be incredibly disorienting and painful. However, there are strategies you can use to protect yourself and respond effectively:

1. Stay Focused on the Issue: DARVO is designed to distract you and deflect from the original issue. When someone tries to derail the conversation with denial or personal attacks, calmly bring the focus back to the behaviour in question. Use clear and direct language to reinforce your points, such as, "We are discussing your behaviour, not my motives."

2. Avoid Feeling the Need to Defend Yourself: In a DARVO attack, the perpetrator will seek to make the victim feel like the villain and will often use their victim’s known vulnerabilities and insecurities as the mechanism by which they flip the roles. The minute the victim begins to defend themselves, they place themselves into the role of wrongdoer. In the “Course in Miracles”, a powerful lesson is in the phrase: “In my defencelessness, my safety lies”. Try to avoid apologising and going on the defensive. Instead stand firm in the truth of your innocence and repeat the above step if necessary. 

3. Document Everything: Keep a record of interactions, including any conversations, messages, or emails. This documentation can serve as evidence if the perpetrator continues to deny the abuse or attack your credibility.

4. Avoid Engaging in Arguments: DARVO thrives on emotional engagement. Perpetrators often want you to react defensively, which gives them more ammunition to reverse the roles. Instead, remain calm, stick to the facts and avoid getting drawn into heated exchanges. See step 2. 

5. Set Boundaries: If the person using DARVO tactics refuses to acknowledge their behaviour or change, it may be necessary to set clear boundaries or distance yourself from them. This can be difficult, especially in close relationships, but it is vital for your emotional wellbeing.

6. Seek Support: One of the most effective ways to combat the confusion and isolation caused by DARVO is to reach out to others for support. Whether through trusted friends, family members, or a therapist, sharing your experiences can help validate your reality and provide perspective.

Healing from DARVO-Induced Trauma

Overcoming the trauma of DARVO requires patience, self-compassion, and, often, professional support. Below are steps that can help victims work through the psychological impact:

1. Acknowledge the Abuse: The first step in healing is recognising that DARVO is a form of emotional abuse. Acknowledging that you were manipulated is essential to regaining your sense of agency and control.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Victims of DARVO often blame themselves for what happened. It is important to challenge these thoughts and remind yourself that you are not responsible for the abusive behaviour. Be kind and patient with yourself as you navigate the healing process.

3. Therapy: Professional therapy, especially trauma-informed therapy, can be invaluable for victims of DARVO. Therapists can help you process the emotional damage, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

4. Rebuild Trust: Reconnecting with others and rebuilding your sense of trust can be challenging after experiencing DARVO. Take small steps to re-establish trusting relationships with those who have shown themselves to be safe and supportive.

5. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Because DARVO can lead to a deep sense of confusion and disorientation, practising mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you stay connected to the present moment and your own reality. Techniques like deep breathing, journaling, or meditation can offer relief from intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Breaking the Pattern of Attracting Relationships with DARVO Dynamics

Breaking the cycle of attracting relationships where DARVO is used as a manipulation tactic requires both self-awareness and intentional boundary-setting. Victims often find themselves drawn to similar dynamics repeatedly due to unresolved trauma or a desire to "fix" unhealthy situations. The first step is recognising your own patterns - if you’ve experienced DARVO in past relationships, reflect on the red flags you might have missed early on, such as emotional unavailability, blame-shifting, or lack of accountability. 

Strengthening your sense of self-worth and setting clear emotional boundaries is critical to avoiding manipulative relationships. Practice asserting your needs and observing how others respond—those who use DARVO will often react negatively to being called out on their behaviour early on. Seeking support through therapy or support groups can help you understand your triggers and rebuild your confidence, empowering you to trust your instincts and steer clear of relationships that exhibit manipulative tendencies. Cultivating healthy relationships starts with recognising that you deserve respect, accountability and mutual care from anyone in your life.

For the Perpetrators: Breaking the Cycle

For individuals who find themselves using DARVO tactics, whether knowingly or unknowingly, it is critical to acknowledge and address this behaviour:

1. Reflect on Your Behaviour: If you have been accused of using DARVO, take the time to reflect on your actions and how they might have harmed others. Denying or attacking will only perpetuate the cycle of harm.

2. Take Accountability: Admitting wrongdoing is difficult, but it is a necessary step towards healing relationships. Instead of shifting blame, acknowledge the impact of your behaviour and express a genuine desire to make amends.

3. Seek Therapy: Therapy can be an important tool for perpetrators to understand the root causes of their manipulative behaviour. Through therapy, you can learn healthier ways to respond to conflict and hold yourself accountable.

4. Commit to Change: Breaking the DARVO cycle requires consistent effort and self-awareness. Commit to recognising the patterns in your behaviour and actively working to change them over time.

DARVO in Society: Business, Politics and Steps for Collective Change

DARVO is not limited to personal relationships; it is also prevalent in societal structures, including business, politics and public discourse. In these arenas, powerful individuals or institutions may use DARVO to deflect responsibility for unethical behaviour, corruption, or failure. For example, in business, a company might deny wrongdoing in a scandal, attack whistleblowers by discrediting their credibility, and reverse the narrative to portray themselves as victims of false accusations. 

Similarly, in politics, leaders or public figures may employ DARVO to avoid accountability, turning criticism into personal attacks against their accusers and shifting public sympathy towards themselves. As a society, recognising and calling out these tactics is essential to prevent abuse of power. We can work towards correction by promoting transparency, holding individuals and institutions accountable and creating systems that protect whistleblowers and victims of manipulation. Education about DARVO tactics and encouraging critical thinking can empower the public to see through attempts to distort truth and shift blame, fostering a more just and accountable society.

DARVO from a Spiritual Perspective 

From a spiritual and metaphysical perspective, consistently attracting relationships where DARVO dynamics or other forms of manipulation are present could be seen as an opportunity for profound soul growth. In this context, the soul might be seeking to learn essential lessons around personal power, boundaries and self-love. The repeated experience of manipulation, abuse, or being made to feel powerless could be serving to highlight areas where the individual needs to reclaim their inner strength and recognise their inherent worth.

The soul contract in such cases might involve learning how to break free from cycles of disempowerment, particularly if similar patterns existed in past lifetimes or early in this one. The person may be presented with these challenging dynamics to confront their deepest fears of rejection, abandonment or inadequacy, forcing them to grow and evolve spiritually. These relationships, while painful, offer the soul an opportunity to cultivate resilience, discernment and a stronger connection to their authentic self.

Ultimately, the lesson could be about understanding that they are worthy of healthy, respectful love, and that it is within their power to choose relationships that reflect their true value. By learning to set boundaries and reject toxic dynamics, the individual can break the cycle and fulfil the soul’s desire for liberation and alignment with their highest self. The repeated attraction to these relationships serves as a spiritual catalyst for transformation, pushing them toward deeper self-awareness and empowerment.

DARVO and the Role of Empaths, Starseeds, Healers and Lightworkers

Attracting DARVO relationships appears to be fairly common amongst empaths, starseeds, lightworkers and healers, and the soul contract here might have something to do with needing to recognise these behaviours on a microcosmic level in order to help heal them in the macrocosm. 

In terms of spirituality and the evolution of human consciousness, unfortunately it seems to be that the hardest work falls to those souls who are ready, willing and able to look and break these deeper patterns in our collective psyche on behalf of the many. 

If you suspect you may belong to this group, you can ask your Higher Self to clear you of any soul contracts where you have needed to experience psychological reversal and manipulation within your personal life in order to recognise it and help clear it for the collective. (I am still trying to work my own way around this one. Perhaps, until every individual is willing to gaze into their own shadow, the empaths, healers and mystics of the world will be lumbered with the task? But I am always open to learning something new on the path of growth - Ed.) 

The journey back to unity love consciousness is the prerogative for all souls – whether on a conscious or subconscious level – yet innate healers have come in with a specific soul purpose to assist humanity in the Ascension. This can often be deeply painful and lonely work, and that is why it is vital to continue to come back to self-love and seek out like-minded friends and community, who understand and support you on this deeper level. 

Moving Forward

DARVO is a toxic pattern of emotional manipulation that can have devastating effects on both victims and perpetrators. For victims, recognising the signs, setting boundaries and seeking support are critical steps in protecting themselves and healing from the trauma. 

For perpetrators, acknowledging their actions and committing to change is essential to breaking the cycle and preventing further harm.

Healing from DARVO is a journey, but with the right tools and support, it is possible to reclaim your sense of self and build healthier, more authentic relationships both as individuals and humanity as a whole.

If this article resonates with you and you’re ready to explore healing on a deeper level, consider joining my monthly, low-cost Soften Circle or sign up for a one-on-one session where we’ll work together to uncover and shift the influences of DARVO dynamics and related trauma. Visit alexandrawenman.com.